common name: "Fuzz" "Alex Jow"
scientific name: Homo sapiens sapiens Fuzzicus
Appearance: Visually challenged. Head hair on males usually never exceeds 2 inches. 90% Fuzzes are of East Asian stock (We are not stereotyping, this is the truth so don't sue us. We have no money anyway) Garb ranges from the conservative to the Steve Urkel to the colorblind or a mixture of the unacceptable. Height usually never exceeds 5'3" in the female and 5'7" in the male.
Habitat: Most fuzzes inhabit the Western and Northeastern part of the U.S., especially California (Berkeley area.) Outside the country, they inhabit Japan, Singapore and some of Taiwan. They congregate around techno computer companies like Lucent, AT&T, Bell Labs, etc. and around good academic school districts. They also frequent tennis courts, orchestra rehearsals, Chinese school, school for the Gifted and Talented, etc, eye doctor's office.
Nutrition: Cheese, Chinese food, Chinese food, Chinese food. Fortune cookies.
Life cycle: As a child, the Fuzz excels in any 2 of the these activities: tennis, violin, piano, math, physics, academics in general. The purpose of a Fuzzling's life is to get into a Fuzz school (Stanford, MIT, UC Berkeley, Caltech, Harvard, Princeton, Ivy Leagues). After this Fuzzling graduates as top 5% of his class (the male pronoun is used only for matters of expedience, we are not being sexist so don't sue us.), he goes to any of the aforementioned schools. There, he meets a like minded Fuzz mate, and after a minimum of dating, they get wed. The likelihood of their children becoming Fuzzes is given by the following equation:
F=mx+b^678\42.567 log sin cos ln 7.8 Fuzz
F=% of Fuzzing.
m=pi if mother is fuzz.
b=pi if father is fuzz.
x=how many digits of the pi the kid knows.
Fuzz=42 just for fun.
Anyone going through the calculations is nevertheless, a fuzz.
Regardless of whether this kid is a fuzz or not matters little to her Fuzz parents. She MUST go to MIT. She MUST get 105 on a Physics exam. She CANNOT stop her parents from helping her achieve these goals. (believe me, I have a Fuzz mother, and I have tried. Resistance is futile.) The goal of a Fuzz parent's life is to help their children accomplish these goals. After the kid graduates summa cum laude with a degree in computer science, they can spend the rest of their life practicing Tai Chi, Tennis, violin, whatever.
Famous Fuzzes: Alex Jow, Lewen Lo, Shirley Fang the author of this manuscript and a student at an Ivy, E. Koven her fellow Fuzz who did the additions, some people who might be offended if we put their names down, Shirley's parents (she comes from a long line of Fuzzes), Alex's parents, et cetera.
Top Ten Sayings of Fuzz parents
10. Do yo' mass!
9. Do yo' physics!
8. Computer is easy to find job!
7. Yo' cousin got 1600 on SAT.
6. Bill Lin is number one. How come you not number one?
5. Stanford good school!
4. Why red marks on yo' paper?
3. Art and music can't get you job!
2. Uncle Jo, cousin Lily, Aunt Ai-lin, all go to computer science.
1. Do yo'mass!
0. (Said when you're struggling with trigonometry) We did this in 2nd grade!
Experiments in Fuzzland
If you put a violin and a graphing calculator in front of a Fuzz, they will have quite a quandary and then a nervous breakdown.
Fuzz Tests- true ways of finding Fuzzes
1. Put the assumed fuzz in front of a computer. If s/he does not program it within an hour, go to next test.
2. Find the Fuzz's score on the nerdity test. Above 30% bespeaks a Fuzz heritage or child Fuzz. Above 50% shows a full-blown fuzz.
3. Ask to see his or her wardrobe. If clothes are dorky, probability is high.
4. Ask them what detache means.
5. Check if there's a TV in the house.
6. Ask them what a volley is.
Careers
Fuzz parents love their little Fuzzlings to go into Electrical Engineering or Computer Science because it is assumed that the jobs will make a lot of money.
At worst, they suggest Business or Medicine as an alternate major. This is silly because Fuzzes are notoriously good at saving money. They will make six figures and live in postage stamp houses.
It is not unusual for them to save a full Ivy tuition for two children so that they don't need financial aid.