Darkest Nights

By : Rhyaniwyn, Lady of Crying Shadows

Disclaimer: All Sailor Moon rights are the property of Naoko Takeuchi, Kodansha Ltd.,Toei Animation, Co., Ltd. and the English dubbed version is copyright 1995 DIC productions. I do not own Sailor Moon or any of its characters and do not pretend to.

Foreword: Most people think of Serena as an airheaded, useless crybaby. I don't. This story is to show that, but I don't think of Serena this way either. This is to show that she is human and the point that any Serena could get to if properly stressed.

Dedication: For Serena, to show the world that she is not stupid or weak.

Darkest Nights

My name is Usagi, some call me Serena. I am also known as Princess Serenity, Princess of the Moon, Neo-Queen Serenity, Sailor Moon, Super Sailor Moon, and Eternal Sailor Moon. Sometimes I think that I am none of these people, nor am I who my friends think I am. I am not always happy, I don't want to always help with the world's problems, I don't want anyone to depend on me to save them when I can't even save myself. But people do depend on me as much as I try to fight it.

I'm not sure when I lost myself. Maybe it was the first time I transformed into "Sailor Moon." Maybe it was when I found out about the things Darien had been doing behind my back.

Do you know how it feels to remember dying? It doesn't feel nice. I can completely recall the pain of my blood draining out of my body and leaving me weak, my breath growing agonizing to draw in. Of course you don't.

Sometimes I feel like screaming, howling until my throat is raw and clawing at the ground. Not for any particular reason, except that I can't take the noisy silence anymore. But that is an oxy-moron, isn't it. Yeah, I know what that is, I'm not completely dumb. In my mind there is this pressure building up, every time I try to say something, it gets worse. I feel like I can't take it anymore, and I can't escape... I don't really want to--not anymore.

Let me explain, I must be confusing you. I was a Middle School student on my way to school, late. I was usually late. I always tried not to be serious, not to worry about life or death, just enjoy the good moments. Not thinking about bad things made for a lot of pleasant times. I didn't worry about school, about studying, about dying, about friends... I had Molly, and people liked me...I guess. I didn't worry about the future, high school, college, a career. I'm not sure why I didn't think about it, just that it was a concious effort. That day I saw a cat with a crescent moon on its forehead... Not something one would pay particular attention to, so I didn't--but it changed my life. I was just getting to the age when a girl could start getting out, having boyfriends, really enjoying herself. I was looking forward to it, making plans about all the fun I'd have.

That all turned to shit when the cat came into my room and started talking to me. I honestly thought I was dreaming... No, I didn't. I thought I was going insane... No, I thought, really, that it was real. I just didn't want to believe it. I somehow knew then what would happen to the fun I had planned, to the carefree Serena that I was. The potential had always been there, waiting, lurking in my skull, until the time when it would be freed, I just tried to ignore it. It was just a nagging intuition at the time...So I ignored the knowledge too. I had grown quite adept at that...

I loved them. I loved them all...Rei, Amy, Mina, and Lita, Darien and Renee, I loved them. They were all part of that thing I didn't want to acknowledge, but that didn't matter to me at all. Loving them was as inescapable as my destiny as Sailor Moon, I think that was the only reason I accepted the destiny--my love for them.

You have to understand what I'm saying. I wanted to be normal and to have fun, like all girls my age. I never wanted any huge responsibility. Unfortunately, the more I fought at it the more inescapable it became. I was drawn more firmly into the web by my struggles to free myself, like quicksand. Those who find such a life romantic would be angry to hear that, would not understand how much I longed to end that life. It is not fun, it is not easy for me, I am not a warrior inside, I long for peace. So I fight for the peace...A healer killing to end the need for their services.

How many times have I watched my friends die... Watched Darien die... It hurts more than when I have myself died, losing them. I have seen their screams of agony, watched the flesh be rent from their bones. My eyes have taken in the horror of their lifeblood spilling from their veins. I have saved them from that fate... Selfishly? I want them to be happy, and that is why I must go. That is not selfish.

I have truly lost them forever this time. I have commited an extrordinary betrayal. My betrayal was no more horrible than their own... But I am--all that I am... So I should have done better. I cannot forgive myself for not forgiving them, so I will go away.

They want me to go away now. I know all about Darien and Pluto, and Darien and Rei... How many others, my love? How many? He has forsaken me, I don't even know why. Perhaps he tired of my youth? No, Rei is the same age as I. Perhaps I still have not matured enough for him, I am not good enough for him, as I was not good enough to fight in the battles beside the scouts. That is the reason, I am sure. I was never strong enough to fight, I was always too scared, and I knew I wouldn't win. So, I sat down and cried and let the others do it for me. Luna always told me to believe in myself, but I am nothing that is worth believing in. I'll miss Luna terribly she stood beside me when I found out about Darien and Rei, Darien and Pluto. It destroyed me. I still feel lacerated inside, and it has been months. The scouts have chained me here, to try to keep me from killing Rei and Pluto...or myself. I'm not sure which, but they probably wouldn't care if I died, now, not after what I did to Rei.

Even though I let them, they should never have underestimated me so. I flex my wrists and break the bonds of power they put there to confine me. Flicking my fingers I dispel the ties at my feet. I will go, for them... I only want them to be happy, and they cannot be happy with me. I will go to... No--first I will see them one last time...To say good-bye in my heart.

I am in the temple, poor Rei must have been terrified that I would kill her in her sleep. I wouldn't. I still love her, but I will never love her the same way now. Only in my memories will she be loved. The fear in her eyes when I found them... I hate myself for putting it there. I hate myself for not loving her still. I hate myself for not forgiving her. I hate myself for not being a better person.

I scrabble toward a door in the temple that I hear voices coming from. Peeking inside I see the scouts and THEM--they are holding hands.

"We will go to Serena, try to calm her down and listen to you. I guess you deserve a chance to explain," Ami was saying.

I see Darien kiss Rei's cheek, and hear his reply, "It just wasn't what you think it was. Don't judge, you don't know."

The others look at each other and do not respond.

I feel something inside me snap. I emit a low moan, like the cry of some dying wild thing. Too many feelings, I can't understand what I want. I'm confused, my skull feels fuzzy. One thing drives me now... I cannot let any enimies get me, they will use me against them... And I still don't want to hurt them. I can't see THEM together.

They all looked toward where I crouched. Rei stood nervously and opened the screen. "Serena!" she cries, and shrinks back.

"I loved you... So much... So much I couldn't stand to live without you. Do you remember? Do you recall that I killed myself when you died protecting me? On the moon, surely you remember Darien! I--I am sorry Rei. I'm sorry I was born again and ruined years of time for you and Darien...I think I'm sorry," I say in a happy, bubbly voice.

"Serena?" Lita says unsteadily.

"Yes... Serena... Usagi... Sailor Moon... Princess Serenity... Neo-Queen Serenity... Eternal Sailor Moon... Yes," I giggle.

Darien looks upset, "Are you alright? What are you talking about?"

"I'll--I'll go away. Far away where none of you can find me, so you can't bring me back and ruin your lives again."

"Serena, what? Don't go! What are you talking about!" Mina cries.

"I cannot stay here knowing that it will hurt you...But it is mostly because I will not hurt Darien. I want you all to be happy..." I say softly. I don't know where the words are coming from. Maybe months of imprisonment in the basement of the temple have finally gotten to me. I might be going insane. I giggle.

They all look afraid. "You see, I am not good for you. I'm no good at all."

Darien gets up and begins to walk toward me. I cannot let him touch me, my resolve will shatter at the warmth of his familiar hands. "I have loved you for all of time and through many lives and deaths... I will ever love you, my Mamo-chan." He stops and stares at me, "Pluto!" I command. She appears, "Take me into the time warp."

She does. She may have loved Darien and betrayed me with him, but I am still her Queen. "Take me into the past, when the Moon Kingdom is still in ruins. I will go there. Now, Pluto! Do not tell them where I am, you won't since you know my feelings, don't you."

Princess Serena sits on top of a chunk of rock, a remenent of the ruined castle. She sits, silently, hands folded in her lap. She does not move does not even seem to breathe.

Abruptly, she whispers through cracked, dry lips, "Endymion, my Endymion."

In her mind a scene replays again and again. Her past, Prince Endymoin dying as he saves her from Queen Beryl. The day she walked into the temple to see Rei kissing Darien, the two of them terrified of her rage. The darkness of her present...

Inside, I have always been more than what I seemed, Darien, couldn't you see that? I only, couldn't seem to let myself free from the self-imposed bonds. I--I hope you are happy, wherever you are... I desperately want you to be happy. I laugh wildly at the contradictions in my head. Love, hate, love, hate, happiness, sorrow, life, death. I moan and clutch my head.

Darien, Rei and the scouts sit under a cherry tree at the temple.

"Where is she?" Darien asks.

"Pluto knows," Rei says.

Lita scowls at them, "She won't tell us because she knows what it is like to suffer at your hands, Darien. However unintentionally you made Pluto suffer, she still hurt because of you."

Mina adds, "Yes, and Serena probably told her not to tell us where she went."

"She'll come back, she'll get over this," Amy says.

"No, she won't. Serena's strength always came from her love for us. I don't think she ever believed in her own worth. When she found out about Darien, she... She must have broken. She was fragile, no matter how much we thought she had matured," Luna replies with cold certainty.

"Yes," Mina puts in, "We all saw how she acted. She... She went insane. She completely lost it. She's gone this time for good. This isn't like dying, we can't just find her and use our powers to bring her back. Her mind is completely lost."

"Completely lost..." Darien says. 'Serena, I'm so sorry I couldn't protect you from this. It wasn't what you thought it was, I swear it wasn't. Serena, I never understood... You were the brightest star in my life, but you had a darkness to go with your light, didn't you. We loved you, Serena, Usako, I loved you...'

Afterword: You'll notice that I skip from Japanese names to English, from Manga to Anime. I did it on purpose, so if you haven't read the manga/seen the anime, you might be at a loss as to where I get some of this. I myself haven't seen or read past SailorMoon R, so... I don't think Darien is that bad, in fact, I rather like him. His "Betrayal" served a purpose. Actually, if you didn't infer it, he and Rei weren't having an "affair," nor were he and Pluto. At least, not really. That just makes it worse, no? I do honestly think that part of the reason Serena cries so much in the beggining is because she doesn't think she can achieve things.